


paint it black

by peachsneakers



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Cuddling, Episode: Putting Others First - Selfishness v. Selflessness Redux | Sanders Sides, Hurt/Comfort, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, dukeceit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:47:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24157615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peachsneakers/pseuds/peachsneakers
Summary: Remus is happy for Janus. Really. He is. Why does he feel so much like crying?
Relationships: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders
Comments: 16
Kudos: 279





	paint it black

**Author's Note:**

> CrofterGamer's prompt: "Janus getting back on the dark sides mindpalace to pack since he's accepted now. Remus is just telling him how happy he is for him but just starts crying from the thought of being all alone again"

He's happy. Really, he is. Deceit-no, _Janus_ \- has finally been accepted by Thomas. By the light sides. By _Morality_ even! Of course he has to move out of the dingy depths of Thomas's mind, spattered by unimaginable fluids and tattered from Remus's various experiments. He'll have his own room up there, bright and soft, cozy yellows and browns, with a better terrarium for his pet hognose snake. Remus is sure the others will love her, just as much as he does.

He's _fine_. He knows that he isn't- well, he's not _like_ Janus. Or the others. ~~Or his brother.~~ He's filthy and foul and he's proud of it. He likes to play in the trash and dissect random things and he doesn't mind blood grimed under his fingernails. He's the one who wonders if they squish or burst like a rotten balloon when Thomas is in the car and sees a squirrel cross the road, and he knows _Roman_ would never think about something like that. It would horrify him, thinking of his cute little woodland creatures mashed up like potatoes. He wouldn't wonder about his NPCs and whether or not they can drown or feel the pain of being tied to the railroad tracks while a train hums ever closer.

So he doesn't belong up there in the light. So what? He's a rat, isn't he? A little trash rat, a raccoon, a kraken, and he's always preferred the dark. ~~But only with Janus to share it.~~

"Are you all right?" Janus asks. Remus looks up from his perch on the back of the sofa, where he's been watching Janus pack, and pastes an enormous toothy smile on his face.

"Why wouldn't I be, Double D?" He asks brightly. Janus arches one elegant eyebrow.

"I don't know," Janus returns, equitable. "That's why I asked, Remus."

"I'm just happy for you!" Remus exclaims. "You get to go up there-" ~~_without me_ ~~"-and be with the others! They accept you! Thomas accepts you! Give 'em hell!" He grins harder, his eyes stinging with the tears he refuses to let fall. His stomach feels like he's been shoved into a man-sized blender and someone mashed 'puree.'

"Remus," Janus says softly. Remus looks up, his smile so tight it hurts. There's a sadness in Janus's mismatched eyes that doesn't belong there. Remus has an uncomfortable feeling he put it there. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Remus retorts, but even he can taste the bitter tang of the lie. "I'm happy for you," he repeats. "I'm happy for you, but I'm sad for me, and isn't that so fucking selfish of me, because you deserve it all, Jan Jan, you deserve to be listened to and accepted and heard and I don't, but I don't want to be alone, I'll be all alone, and no one will help me calm down when the thoughts are too loud and I can't share my creations anymore and I can't hear your heartbeat go thump thump thump under your shirt or feel how soft your hair is and how much I want to put all my fingers in it sometimes and just hold on because I feel like I'm gonna fall into the ether if I don't and it was bad enough when Virgil left but at least I had _you_ and now I-" He's hiccuping as he speaks, tears scalding his cheeks no matter how much he tries to push them aside, and suddenly Janus's arms loop around him, pulling him close, and he's babbling apologies into Janus's tear-soaked shoulder.

"You have nothing to apologize for," Janus says, quiet but firm. Remus promptly shuts up, staring at him with wide eyes. "Remus, you know I care about you, don't you?"

"Er-" Remus stalls. Janus sighs softly and threads his fingers through the grey streak of Remus's hair.

"It doesn't matter where I live, Remus," Janus says. "I'm not leaving you alone. I don't know if your room can be moved yet. But that doesn't matter. I'm not leaving you." Janus's arms tighten around Remus as he speaks, soothing the creative side with constant, unrelenting touch.

"But- the others-" Remus stammers, looking at Janus's face.

"Fuck the others," Janus declares. "If Thomas can accept that I'm an important side of his personality, then he can accept you. You aren't just intrusive thoughts and you aren't evil. I was wrong when I used that to hurt your brother- I know I already apologized for it, but I'm saying it again." Remus swallows, the lump in his throat uncomfortably large. "You are an important side of Thomas's creativity and he needs you if he wants to expand his creative scope. You matter, Remus. If to no one else, you matter to me.

"And I would _never_ just leave you."

Remus thinks carefully about his next words. His heart feels like it might jump out of his chest and plummet twenty stories to splash all over the pavement.

"Do you promise?" He finally asks. Janus slips one of his gloves off and holds out his pinky finger, linking it with Remus's.

"Always," he says.


End file.
